Work at Home Mom: Reaching for the Stars, Learning how to Swim

My little girl at 7 months

When I accepted an offer to begin work at the same time we’d be packing up our house to move for my husband’s new job multiple states away, I knew I was crazy. What was I thinking!? Not that I had much choice – my start date was already delayed by my new boss’s vacation and my life isn’t going to calm down any time soon. So, full speed ahead!

I love my career. I spent 11 years studying in higher education and held multiple volunteer and lower-level jobs to get to where I am now: a mid-level expert-in-training in my industry. Since January, I had been staying at home with my baby, working from home and occasionally elsewhere on small tasks and minor gigs. I started my own consulting business and earned a little bit of money, enough to travel for business trips and conferences, but not enough to pay myself salary. I kept searching for the right client that would land me a major paycheck. Finally, I found one. I’m reaching for the stars, which is a fitting analogy if you know I work in the space industry.

The first two weeks of being a for-real WAHM felt like I was drowning in responsibilities. I’d splash and kick, gasping for air at the surface, treading water with all my might, feeling as though I could go under at any moment. The thought did cross my mind once, briefly, that maybe this was a bad idea and I should quit. But I didn’t. I kept on swimming, as our fish friend would say.

It didn’t help that the baby’s worst day since her early newborn weeks was my first day of work. I kicked off that Monday morning with back-to-back phone meetings, during which she was thankfully quiet. Then she became a miserable monster and stayed unhappy for the rest of the day. I got little done. I thought, maybe this is teething for real, then dismissed my speculation. A couple days later, I felt the sharp edges of a bottom tooth popping through. It wasn’t all in my head after all.

Getting little done continued to be a theme. I began to question whether I really could be a stay-at-home mom and work a real job that required my focus and dedication. But to be honest, my circumstances skewed my perspective. That first week, I spent far more time on the phone and in meetings with various people who were to help me prepare our home for sale, sell our home, move our belongings, house us temporarily, and help us find and finance a new home. I felt like both a poor mother and a poor employee as I spent hours and hours in personal logistics planning.

The baby, now 7 months old, is developing separation anxiety. She could be well-rested, well-fed, and surrounded by toys, but still throw a fit if I’m not holding her when she wants to be held or if I leave the room and don’t allow her to follow me. But a baby cooing or fussing into the earpiece is not a professional sound over a business call. Twice I placed her safely among her toys in the living room, then shut myself in my bedroom closet (two layers of separation!) in order to muffle her screams to make a call. It felt undignified to conduct business on the floor of my closet. I’ll have to develop a better solution.

After a minor break-down last week, I decided to step back and regroup. I’m only human. I put so much pressure on being an excellent new employee, I was placing unrealistic expectations on myself. I’m sure that my new bosses 1) didn’t expect a brand newcomer to excel at the job immediately, and 2) understood that moving is stressful and would cut me some slack. I spent the beginning of week #2 focusing on what I could do in the moment and not getting too worked up over feeling behind.

Until I actually was behind. Wednesday came to a close and I had barely worked all week. Frantically, I worked extra hard these past two days, catching up. I woke up early Thursday morning, stayed up late Thursday night, and woke up early Friday. And do you know what? I was just fine. I accomplished what I needed to accomplish. No one cared that I hadn’t fully finished one of my tasks yet, no one but me. I called it quits Friday afternoon with a task still open, and the world didn’t end.

You might recall from my previous entry that I actually scored two new jobs, one major and one minor. I had to put the minor gig on hold. I’m at my capacity at the moment. Until I’m out of this house (one more week!), I can’t take on anything else. But that job isn’t urgent and the big boss still hasn’t signed my contract yet for an “official” start, so I feel justified in delaying.

My husband and I have talked about hiring help once we move. In his current position, he can occasionally work from home. When he’s here and not in a meeting, we share child caring duties. I leaned on him Thursday and Friday while I worked hard to catch up. But when he begins his new job in two weeks, he’ll be in the office every day. I may hire a part-time nanny or babysitter to help lessen my load. I’ll play that decision by ear.

I am so fortunate – I love my job. I’m able to do satisfying work in a field I’m passionate about. My company is very family-friendly, which is what drew me to the position. It’s a small company with everyone working from home offices around the globe, some of which are also work-at-home parents. It’s a friendly, supportive atmosphere. I feel so very grateful to be able to stay home with my little girl and participate in my chosen career!

Standing, Moving, Working, Panicking! I Am Not Alone

It's a holiday here in the States, but my mind is racing. I start my major contract job in one week. I already received a meeting invitation for Monday 9:00 AM. I've been told what my first assignment will be. It'll be a lot of work, right off the bat! I spent energy during the interview process convincing them that I can do the job, so now I need to convince myself. That won't be easy. I'm my sharpest critic.

Meanwhile, I have a draft of a contract to finalize and sign with my side job. Assuming that's completed next week, I'll be starting both jobs at the same time. I've been putting it off, not because I can't be bothered with approving a contract, but because I already feel overwhelmed. And I haven't even started yet.

Meanwhile, my little girl is racing ahead of milestones at a stunning pace, leaving me, well, stunned. She went from lunging to crawling to standing to cruising furniture in a matter of weeks. She's only six months old! I hadn't planned to babyproof the house yet. I don't want to babyproof a house I might move out of in a few weeks. Today my husband and I bought baby gates which had been on our to-do list for two weeks since she discovered the dog's food and water bowls in the laundry room. I've had to mop up the floor and change her more times than I'd like to admit. It also takes work to chase her away from trouble, constantly keeping and eye out.

A developing baby means more independence from me. She can play mostly on her own for a large part of her waking hours. She can crawl around the majority of the house now that I've blocked off areas and babyproofed as she found trouble. With my laptop, I can follow her around and get stuff done at the same time. I'm sleep training her, so now she can even nap without needing me to nurse her to sleep. Progress. Baby steps, figuratively and literally.

My husband should get a final written offer from his potential new job on Tuesday. We're in limbo until then. My mind is racing with plans but I can't solidify them until I get the okay. On Tuesday, if it's what he wants, we're all go go go to move, sell our house, and buy a new one. And everything that comes with that. Every little thing. Anxiety! Stress! Panic!

We met with our real estate agent this morning, the same woman who helped me buy this house two years ago. She toured the property, making a verbal list of everything we need to do to best sell our home. Every comment she made caused me to shrink with stress and anxiety, as if her words were hammering me on the head and stealing my future time and happiness. Between starting two new jobs, caring for a mobile baby, saying goodbye to friends, and packing, when were we going to find the time to handle all these home repairs and touch-ups?

Then the seasoned real estate agent – God bless her – said those beautiful words: “I'll handle it.” She advised us to move out, vacate the house, then she'll take care of the rest. I could have hugged her. Then, my husband mentioned as an aside that his potential new company's relocation package included packaging and shipping all of our belongings. He'd forgotten to mention that before. And just like that, the weight lifted.

Yes, this house needs a deep clean, and trimming of this, and caulking of that, and the list goes on and on. Yes, an entire household needs to be packed up and moved across the country. But I don't have to do it. It doesn't have to be my responsibility. It doesn't need to weigh down my to-do list.

Yes, we need to find our new home, and the sooner, the better. But we won't buy sight unseen. So I need to put that worry aside and just wait. Yes, I start two new jobs in a week. But no one will expect me to have a major report done on my first day or even my first month. There's always a learning period.

If you haven't noticed, have a tendency to want to handle everything all by myself. I'm very independent. I know that I'll do it the way I want it to be done. Then I overload myself and wonder why I can't complete things the way I want to. But I really can do this, with help. With lots and lots of help.

I am not alone.

This is a lesson I'll need to repeat to myself again and again. It's okay to let others handle things. It's okay to let go of the things that others can do, and often do better. It's okay to outsource, to hire help, to ask for help, to remove some of the weight from my shoulders and put it on someone else. It's not all on me. I don't have to do everything, and that's okay.

And with this realization, I'm back to enjoying my holiday. My husband, my baby, and I are all hanging out as my husband plays guitar. We'll join our neighbors for a party this evening. I can enjoy my (possibly) last weeks in our home and our city. I can focus on my friends, my family, and my new adventures. I can live my life without overwhelming stress. I just need to let go. Let go and let God, as the saying goes.

Beyond Full-Time Work-At-Home Mom

I may be a bit in over my head. I have this tendency to take on more than I can realistically handle and then watch with dismay as I allow balls to drop. Now that I'm a mom, and a stay-at-home mom at that, I'm particularly aware of how much time it takes to care for a baby day and night. Dedicated time to focus on work is in short supply.

I expressed my anxieties in my previous blog entry considering taking a full-time work-from-home position. Great news - I got the job! And I accepted it. But I also misunderstood the position. I'll be an independent contractor, not a full-time employee. Nowhere in my contract does it specify how many hours per week I'm expected to work. I'll be paid a set amount of compensation per month to do the work assigned to me, however many hours that takes.

Before beginning the job, it's difficult to know how many hours of actual work will be involved. In my previous two “full-time” career positions, neither came close to needing 40 hours of work per week. Actual work was usually a few hours per day, plus maybe a meeting or two. On an average week, I would say that 10 to 20 hours of work was required of me. The rest of the time, I was “on call” in my office or at home, and could work on other things. But I can't predict whether this new position will be the same.

Surprise - great news - I accepted another new job yesterday! Two new jobs! So now I'm “beyond full-time,” in a sense. I have a major contract that will be my primary position, and I have a minor contract that will be a side job. The new gig will pay commission on funds I bring in. My hours and schedule are my own to work out.

Within the next two weeks, I'll be starting not one, but two new jobs. My six-month-old has become a fast crawler, is able to stand, and is almost ready to start cruising. She can spend more time in independent play, but she requires more careful watching. I'm keeping my childcare options open. If need be, I'll hire an occasional or regular daytime babysitter or nanny, or I'll look into part-time daycare options. I'd love to be able to handle all motherhood and career responsibilities simultaneously, but that may not be realistic.

My favorite part of this extra income: I get to hire cleaning help! I don't know what it says about me that a cleaning service is at the very top of my “to buy if we have the money” list. I've been wanting a regular housecleaner since before the baby was born. Returning to a dual-income family means we can afford it. How frequently outside help will come is still to be decided. Outside help will lessen the burden on me to clean during the day or in my limited spare time.

An unexpected lifestyle change has been the need for me to begin sleep training the baby. Co-sleeping and bed-sharing saved me so much for the first six months of my daughter's life. I was able to more or less “sleep through” the night every night because the baby would barely wake me when she needed to nurse. Having her right there next to me was a sanity saver. I never felt like a stereotypical sleep deprived mom of an infant.

However, the baby no longer sleeps as long and as well as she used to. I got more uninterrupted sleep with her as a newborn than I do now with her at six months old. I feel like I'm tossing and turning every 30 minutes to nurse her or switch her to the other breast. I get so exhausted that I no longer remember to return her to her crib in the night. I wake up in the morning with her next to me, tired, not even remembering that I had picked her up. Co-sleeping is no longer working for me.

Sunday night, I moved her crib to the nursery and set up the baby monitor. For three nights so far, I've attempted sleep training. I allow for middle-of-the-night feeding because my baby is so small, but I return her to her crib after 10 to 15 minutes. Results have been mixed these past three nights. I'll write a dedicated sleep training update when it's all sorted out.

On top of my own life, my husband's path is still open. He may or may not get a job offer that would require us to move across the country in the next month or two. In addition to starting two new jobs, I may also be planning a move, selling our house, and buying a new one. I really don't know how I'm going to balance those responsibilities, if it happens.

In the times of my life when I think I may have to take on more than I can handle, I give it to God. I trust that it will all happen as it's meant to, and that I'm strong enough to make it through. All in all, these are great problems to have, and I'm very grateful.

This is how I wrote this blog entry. Thankfully, her nap lasted long enough.

Working at Home with a Crawler

This is brand new territory for me. My little six-month-old is now so efficient and so fast at crawling, she now needs watching. She is also learning to climb. This need of watching is so very different from her first six months when I could put her down and expect her to stay put. I need to step up my game!

Part of this new period of floor exploration involves examining the pets. When she spots a fellow crawling creature, she grins and shrieks in excitement, then bounces toward them. She’s slow compared to them, so I wonder why they allow her to catch up to them. If they don’t see or hear her coming, then they’re pretty bad at being canine or feline hunters. Maybe they are just lazy and don’t want to move until absolutely necessary.

The dog is the most benign of her targets, simply walking away when bothered. It’s the cats that I worry about. All of our cats have their claws. The baby thinks it’s a fun game to grab at and pull the cats’ tails or pull out clumps of fur. She’s too young to really understand not to do this. Most of the time, the cats just walk away too.

But not all of the time. I saw her approaching our orange cat this morning, but thought nothing of it. I turned my back on her for two seconds and I heard crying. She had cornered the cat who understandably stood his ground and swatted at her. No scratch meant she wasn’t injured, just scared, so it could have been worse.

Inanimate objects also pose a worry. Yesterday I cleared an entire bottom of a bookshelf of decorative odds and ends that she was preparing to put in her mouth. This morning I saw her playing with books on the bottom of another bookshelf. Her climbing attempts lead to falls and bumps.

That photo was taken as I started typing this. The glass used to be farther from the edge. My baby has learned to pull at the tablecloth to bring the glass closer. Smart kid.

How can I possibly get work done as a WAHM with a proficient crawler? I’m more of a free-range parent than a helicopter, so I just let her be. I want her to explore her environment. She deserves the freedom to get to know her own home after months of only going where adults put her. It’s okay to fall on carpet during an attempted climb onto the couch. It’s okay to lightly bump her head at she learns to navigate this world and her body in it. Although I don’t want her scratched, if the cat swats at her sans claws enough times, maybe she’ll learn not to pull.

Thankfully, I work on laptops. I carry my work with me from room to room, near her with every step. Most of the time, I’m sitting on the floor next to her, seeing the world as she sees it, or at least a similar height. As she explores her space, I am nearby enough to spot trouble but also reading or typing away. My presence also makes her feel comfortable and confident, so I don’t have to pause to sooth cries. She has learned to crawl over to me if she wants me (or, more likely, my boob).

And there’s always naps, the blessed breaks I get to try to work uninterrupted. After I prevented my baby from pulling a glass of apple cider onto her head, she climbed right up into my lap, nursed, and went to sleep. Ah, peaceful sleep, perfect times to make phone calls or get anything done on my laptop, just as this blog entry.

Eventually I'll need to buy baby gates and fences, blocking off areas of the house not suited to her. But I'm not there yet.

As she grows in her body and her ability to get into even more trouble, so will my ability to work with her around. That’s my hope, anyway. In case you were wondering from my last blog entry, I got and accepted the full-time work-from-home job. Soon I’ll need to accomplish even more with a little one roaming around. Advice is welcome!

The Full-Time Question

In my introductory post, I explained how I came to be an accidental work-at-home mom, part time. I haven’t worked full-time since my baby was born. And if I’m honest, I haven’t worked full-time in maybe a year because there’s not much going on in a company going out of business.

Going from working part-time at home pre-baby to working part-time at home post-baby was easy. I learned how to free my hands enough use my computer while she nursed or slept on me. I became decent at one-handed typing. I started work-at-home momming gradually when she was just a few days old. I was full-swing into when I attended a local workshop when she was five weeks old. We've been rocking it ever since.

Sleeping baby position #1 as I wrote this blog entry.

For me, being a part-time work-from-home mom has been easy (so far). I work projects of interest on my laptop from my living room or back porch while the baby sleeps, nurses, or plays. I’m interrupted constantly and therefore it takes longer to accomplish tasks, but breaks aren’t a bad thing.

I pick and choose which projects I want to get involved with. Some tasks have deadlines and are prioritized. Others are “whenever I feel like it,” such as my professional blog, my book writing, and my reports.

But one thing I am not is an 8-hour-per-day working mom. I couldn’t tell you how much of my day is spent on business. I multi-task and switch things up constantly: email, news, social media, projects, breastfeed, play with baby, change diapers, clean house, prepare food, take care of errands, take care of myself, go to business-related events, and whatever else falls into my lap.

Sleeping baby position #2 as I wrote this blog entry.

Work-life integration is the new buzzphrase and I have it down solid! I am one seamless work-life integrator. But I don’t work 40 hours per week, probably not even half that. I don’t work much right now. But I have excellent work-life satisfaction!

I’m a little nervous that I’m a finalist for a full-time work-from-home position. In a surprising twist, I’m more nervous about getting the job than I am about not getting it! Being rejected means status quo, my life remains the same. I can continue to leisurely work-from-home part-time on whatever projects I choose.

Taking the job means juggling everything around and needing to find solid working hours during the day with many more deadlines and phone meetings. It’s always an unknown whether the baby will remain quiet while I’m on the phone. Probably not.

Position #3 while writing this blog entry - playing! She's not always quiet.

My little girl is a few days shy of 6 months old. Since she refuses to take a bottle, she has been attached to me day and night, attending work-related events with me, even attending an out-of-state conference with me. The thought of putting her in (very expensive) daycare sounds undesirable and potentially unfeasible until she’s older. But the option exists if there’s no better alternative.

Even with full-time work, I think I’d still be able to watch her at home most of the time. I’m considering an occasional nanny or daytime babysitter, someone who could watch her for a couple hours per day or a few hours per week, depending on my needs. Or, maybe I’ll surprise myself and actually be able to work a full-time job from home while watching the baby full-time. Maybe. Am I crazy?

This potential job seems to cater to work-at-home parents. The CEO of the small company has three little ones at home and told me during our initial call (in November!) that the company leans toward work-life balance. Another man I interviewed with who has been with the company for 13 years, has four kids, and praised his ability to be a work-at-home dad. Although not everyone in the company is a parent, it does sound like families come first. If I take this job, I really think I could make it work with a home office and still watch my little girl grow up. (And I do want to add more babies to our family sooner than later, God willing!)

Even more uncertainty is added to this hypothetical life when I consider my husband’s situation. He’s being flown out to cities around the country to be interviewed for a potential big career advancement. His job interview in another state on Monday sounds particularly promising. We could be moving across the country in a month or two.

Moving locations won’t matter to my potential work-from-home employer, but it would mean less in-person business events and meetings for me. Where we live now is a hub for my industry. Where we’d potentially be moving to, my industry isn’t there. Everything I’d do would be online or would require business travel.

I am the kind of person who defines myself by my career: a scientist in the space industry. No, I take that back. I was defined by my love of my industry long before it became a career, as far back as 3rd grade when I wrote a short story about being an astronaut. My passion for what I do “for a living” goes beyond whether I’m paid for it, and some of my current projects are in fact volunteer or pro bono. I love, live, breath science/astro/space. Becoming a mom hasn’t changed that.

Even without this potential full-time position, I’d still continue building my consulting business, part-time. Even with this potential full-time position, I still want to build my consulting business part-time. I know, I sound crazy.

I’ll stick another tick-mark in the crazy box by admitting I might want to homeschool my kid(s) someday.

Too much speculation, too many hypotheticals, too much unknown. For now, I vent my thoughts on the Internet. Decisions will be made later.

Working mom and silly-faced baby at an industry event last month.

What I Learned Taking a Baby to a Professional Conference (Part 2)

I took 5-month-old Josephine to an informal professional networking event last night and reminded myself that I still had yet to write about our adventures at an out-of-state conference together. Rest and catch-up are top priorities after returning from travel. Now I can reflect on the positive and negative of bringing a baby to a professional conference.

Working and playing, as well as we can together.

Community Support

I had a lot of fears about being a working mother after I gave birth to my daughter and it became clear that she was too young to be away from me for long. I worried that I would be seen as less than professional if I brought her with me. I expected negative or inappropriate comments. I would not have been surprised if people had asked me to leave when they saw me with a baby. Babies don't belong in work environments, right?

My fears were the furthest from the truth. Every time I brought my baby, I was welcomed with open arms. Colleagues and new acquaintances loved meeting her and watching her grow. Young women and older men thanked me for bringing her. Only once was I asked not to attend a meeting with her, a rare exception to the warm welcome she's received. She's an instant star no matter where I go. The one downside is that on occasion, colleagues are more interested in talking about her than about business!

Bringing her to one day of the local conference was a test. Taking her on a plane to Colorado, without my husband, for a 3-day conference was the real deal! How would she behave? How would others react? Would I be able to attend the conference talks at all?

I was overwhelmed with the generosity, encouragement, and support from the conference staff and attendees! From the moment we arrived, others offered to hold her, play with her, give her toys (conference swag), and take care of her. Conference staff made her a special name badge. She attracted conference attendees like a magnet. One man thanked me for bringing her because her sounds during the talks lessened the seriousness of the atmosphere and reminded him of home and humanity.

Baby Genius - All Star!

The Noise

There's no way around it: babies make noise and there's no quieting them. I knew that I would be in and out of talks. I just hoped that I would be in more than out.

I lucked out with a relatively mellow baby. She doesn't cry all that much, but she does have her moments. She wasn't feeling well on Friday afternoon, so I hid in the bathroom for a long time, hoping the thick doors would dampen her screams. But worse, I didn't have my phone or laptop because I couldn't return to the conference ball room with a screaming baby to retrieve them, my feet were hurting me in brand new dress pumps, and there were no restroom chairs, so I sat barefoot on the floor not even knowing the time while she screamed and screamed. Eventually she did calm down and we reemerged. Aside from that outburst, screaming fits were rare.

More common were little baby grunts from learning to crawl and play and “songs” from learning to use her voice. When those got too loud and persistent, I needed to leave the room. Sometimes I would walk with her along the back wall by the door, leaving when she was loud and returning when she had quieted. In and out, in and out. While this certainly is not an ideal way to hear talks, I was able to pick up bits and pieces of conversation this way.

Most of the time, she was quiet enough for me to be in the room. Especially when she napped in my lap! During those periods, I could focus on the speakers and pretend I was attending a conference as usual. Except that I was in the back of the room sitting on the floor next to toys, usually.

Conference swag makes for good toys.

Baby Wearing

I wore my baby in her wrap less often than I expected to. There were times when it made sense, such as during a tour of a nearby company's facilities where we'd be walking a lot. I opted not to bring a stroller to the airport, instead wearing her around the terminal. However, during the conference talks, mostly we were sitting down. I tried sitting with her in my lap, but she got bored quickly. Instead, I laid a baby blanket on the ground and let her play with toys independent of me as much as possible. Outside of talks, she would be passed from person to person so much that it didn't make sense to attach her to me. I'm glad I brought the wrap and I did use it frequently, but she wasn't attached to me at all times.

Baby hanging out on the tour.

Hotel Sleeping

I have difficulty sleeping in a strange place. So, it seems, does my baby. We didn't have our normal routine and sleep aids such as her swing, so sleep didn't come as naturally to her. It was a struggle each night to get her to stay asleep. Usually I succeeded an hour or two after her usual bedtime.

I opted not to bring her crib, instead allowing her to sleep in the king-size bed with me. At home, her crib is right next to our king-sized bed so she spend half the night in her bed and inevitably half the night in ours. Co-sleeping works well for us. I didn't even think twice about keeping her in the bed with me while on travel.

Sleeping on my lap.

Breastfeeding Business

No one batted an eye when I nursed my baby during the conference. No one stared. One lady offered to give me her seat if I'd be more comfortable. To clarify, I always use a blanket or wrap to cover us up when she feeds, but I'll continue to carry on conversations like normal.

Brave, Hero and Supermom

I was called all these things for bringing a baby to a conference. I am none of them. I am simply a working mom who loves my career and loves being with my child. I find it interesting that in our culture, we would see this behavior as something to be praised highly with descriptions such as brave, hero, and supermom. In my opinion, this only points to the need to combine maternity and career for new moms and make what I did common.

Thanks for bringing me along, mom!

Hold Your Pee: Pelvic Floor Exercises for Moms & Moms-to-Be

I am one session away from completing my pelvic floor physical therapy, or as I like to put it, one final exam away from graduating from “stop peeing myself” school. I've already written about my experience discovering that Kegel exercises were worsening my hypertonic pelvic floor during my pregnancy and my road to recovery. I want to follow up with some specific tips and exercises that I learned through my months of physical therapy.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, medical professional, nor expert on the pelvic floor. I am simply a patient who wants to share what I've learned. This advice is free, so you get what you pay for. If you want to learn more, visit your doctor or a specialist.

Also, if you're squeamish about female anatomy, you may want to avoid reading on.

There's a Floor to my Pelvis?

When I first started physical therapy, I didn't know what my pelvic floor was. I had practiced Kegels and knew how to contract the muscle that allowed me to hold in my pee, but that was the problem. I was hypertonic, so I knew how to hold it but not how to release it. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I wasn't aware of that muscle in my body.

Above all else, physical therapy allowed me to learn that this muscle exists and that I can control it. This was useful not only for holding in my urine, but also for childbirth prep and sex. Most of my postnatal care focused on toning the weakened muscle after vaginal birth.

Big Belly Blows

Among the first exercises I learned was called the big belly blow. We've all been taught to inflate our stomachs when we breath in and deflate when we breath out. Instead, with a big belly blow, we keep our stomachs inflated when we exhale. This releases the pelvic floor muscle and allows it to widen more easily.

In the chaos of the end of labor, when the nurses coached me to hold my breath and push, I ignored them. Instead, I did a series of big belly blows to open my pelvic floor. I didn't feel a ring of fire and my baby was out in three pushes. And I barely tore.

The Rounds

We all have moments of weakness. For me, it's my sneezing fits first thing in the morning before I've had a chance to pee. When we're most vulnerable is when we need our skills the most.

The rounds consist of four steps that I do at the start of every physical therapist appointment: 1) Squeeze tightly and release. 2) Cough and release. 3) Squeeze tightly, cough while holding, and release. 4) A small push. Not to get uncomfortably graphic, but the doctor first observes me doing the rounds with eyes only, then she feels my strength and range doing the rounds with her finger inside of me. My progress going through the rounds allows the doctor to assess how far I've come and what I still need to work on.

Coughing, laughing, and especially sneezing were killer for me. My husband used to jokingly ask me every time I sneezed whether I had peed myself. He no longer asks because I no longer do.

In Motion

Most of the physical therapy exercises I learned consisted of contracting, holding, and releasing the pelvic floor while in motion: legs opening and closing, one leg lifted and lowered, squatting and standing, and even moving with a yoga/exercise ball between me and a wall. There was a time when I would pee myself squatting down to pick up something from the floor. Not anymore.

Elevators

The most useful physical therapy technique for me for me was mental. I was to imagine that my vagina was picking up something small like a bean or ping-pong ball. Still imaginarily grasping it, I pulled it up through a series of levels until I reached the top of my pelvic floor elevator. Then I'd bring it back down. Pick up, to level one, up to level two, really strain to get all the way to the top at level three, then back down again, stopping at each level before finally letting the ball go. There was no real ball, of course, nor are there discrete levels in my pelvic floor. Eventually I got to the point where I could bring my pelvic floor from rest to top and back down in two flowing motions.

The Final Exam: Endurance

My last challenge requires stamina. I am to tighten my pelvic floor and bring it to a maximum, hold it for ten seconds, then release. When I can that, I'm to try for 20 seconds. One would think that this would be easy because I routinely hold my pee in for longer than 20 seconds. However, when we hold in pee, we're not at maximum. Bring my pelvic floor all the way to the “top of the elevator” and staying there takes tremendous focus and a good deal of strength. Hopefully, the next time I'm in my physical therapists' office, I can do it.

If you are a mother or mother-to-be suffering from urinary incontinence, I highly recommend seeing a pelvic floor specialist! Not only am I essential back to my pre-pregnancy normal, I no longer experience pain during sexual intercourse, which still amazes me. You carried and birthed or are about to birth a baby. Take care of your fabulous body!

Lessons Learned Attending a Professional Conference with a Baby (Part 1)

I've never seen a baby at a professional conference before. Prior to having my own baby, it never would have occurred to me that a mother would choose to take her child with her. Now that I have a baby of my own who refuses a bottle, my only choices are to participate in my profession with the baby or not participate at all. Yesterday, I chose to stand out from the crowd.

I didn't know how anyone would react to my presence with the baby. Worst case scenario, I thought I'd be denied entry or asked to leave. Second-worst case, I thought the baby would scream, causing me to miss most of the conference I paid for. I didn't know if anyone would stare at me or make a negative comment about how unprofessional or disruptive it was to bring a baby. I prepared to defend my choice, if necessary.

Fears are usually all in our head. Not only was I welcomed with the baby, I received so many compliments! By the end of the day, at least four people told me that they hadn't heard a peep from her and she was the most well behaved baby they had ever seen. It's not that she didn't make a peep, it's that I contained her well. She kept me on my toes!

I learned a new wrap style for the occasion: outward facing carry. I still wrap her in a sling style when nursing discretely, but my 5-month-old no longer wants to face my chest. She wants to see the world! The outward facing wrap is the most secure wrap style I've learned yet and was truly hands-free. It was perfect for times when I needed to walk around and mingle such as during the talk breaks and exhibit hall networking.

To my surprise, I did not spend all of my time standing and bouncing her along the wall. Instead, I found a back corner away from foot traffic and closest to the bathroom. There I laid out a small blanket and some toys, plugged in my laptop, and sat on the floor to listen and work. It was ideal! I may have looked silly to others, but this really was the best possible arrangement. The baby kept herself well occupied, I could work without holding her or constantly moving her active hands away from my laptop, and we were completely out of the eyesight of all conference attendees except those walking along the back of the room.

Playing with free conference swag!

In retrospect, it was a wise move on my part to wear pants instead of the cute pencil skirt I had wanted to wear. Sitting on the floor with legs in any direction would not have worked well in a skirt or dress. It was also smart of me to wear a cowl neckline for easy access.

Listening to the conference speakers uninterrupted only happened when the baby was napping. Unlike a normal day, she only dozed off for short periods of time – no long naps. Applause would wake her, usually just for a moment, but sometimes stirring was enough to snap her out of her slumber. As a result, at no time was I away from my baby and able to attend the conference as a normal professional except when two of the college-aged conference volunteers asked to hold her.

I was able to attend all of the conference talks (except when I stayed in the exhibit hall for too long during a break). Even though I was in and out a lot, I was able to get a lot out of attending. I live tweeted and I took notes. I got the gist out of the conversation. I was surprised at how much of the conference I could actually attend.

As someone put it yesterday, a baby and a dog in a crowd have similar outcome: people flock to you for the cuteness. A baby is an effective networking aid. Colleagues and strangers alike approached to meet the baby and, secondarily, me. She was a natural conversation starter. The one negative was that because time was short and the baby was easy to talk about, I didn't talk as much “shop” as I would have liked. Part of that was also the fault of the conference schedule: too few and too short breaks. I had hoped that the 6:00 networking session would make up for it, but by that point, the baby had had enough and it was time to go home.

Astronaut Baby!

It's always a concern when going out: a diaper blow-out (or poop explosion, if you prefer). We had one. We survived. I packed plenty of diapers and wipes as well as a spare change of clothes. Thankfully, none got on me. I cleaned her up and no one noticed.

Overall, taking my baby with me to a professional conference was a success. I tear up when I think of how supportive my work community is. So many positive comments and words of encouragement! I want to thank every one of you who helped me to get over my fear of negative judgment and do what works best for us. I feel so blessed to have such beautiful people in my life.

This local conference was practice. The test is next week's three-day out-of-state conference. Stay tuned!

Also, Josephine got to meet her fifth astronaut and take additional photos with ones she had already met. And she went to Mars!

Baby on Mars!

How I Work At Home with a 5-Month-Old

During the difficult earliest weeks of motherhood, I wrote a detailed schedule of what my day was like. Endless breastfeeding, short naps only while we held her, screaming fits, and precious little free time. It seemed the baby was constantly attached to me. Time just disappeared.

Now at 5 months old, she's a lot easier to care for. She's aware of the outside world and can independently play. She's not on my boob forever. Her naps are longer. We're better at communicating so she doesn't cry as much. I'm able to get a lot more done in the day as a work-at-home mother.

I kept track of my Monday to see where the time goes. Follow along with my day, if you'd like.

8:00 AM

The baby is awake for the day. My husband takes her to change her diaper while I slowly get up. We usually get up anywhere between 7:00 and 9:00, without an alarm, so this is an average day. Sometimes I awake before the baby and can get a little cleaning done before she arises.

With her in the bouncer chair, I straighten up a little. Time for another diaper change. I try to focus on one area of cleaning per day and today is a laundry focus, so I strip the bed.

My husband leaves for work. There are days when he works from home [such as today – Tuesday] which changes my schedule. I'm more likely to eat lunch out when he's home, for example. And there's also adult fun time when she naps.

I settle with the baby in my indoor office, also known as my sitting room couch. While nursing her, I catch up with email, social media, and industry-specific news. I read some of the news aloud to her. When not nursing, she plays in my lap or on the floor next to me.

10:00

The baby falls asleep while nursing. Her mid-morning naps occurs anywhere between 10:00 and 11:30. I successfully transfer her to the swing chair. I'm free! I shower, dress, and apply make-up.

The mid-morning naps usually last 15 to 30 minutes. Very unusually, this one lasts an hour. I take advantage of the extra time by starting laundry and straightening up a bit more. I'm rarely hungry in the mornings, but I ate a banana at 10:45. I prep dinner and start the slow cooker. I even prep my lunch sandwich before she awakes.

The biggest issue is preventing her from wacking the laptop keys!

11:00

I move us to my outdoor office, also known as the lounge chair on my back porch. While she nurses or plays, I work on my laptop. I set her up on the chair cushion in front of me or on a towel on the ground beside me. I completed my first work task of the day, then read some more industry news.

The cats have learned to stay out of reach of those tiny grabby hands.

11:40

The baby is getting antsy. We take a break to walk around the house, change her diaper, and start the next load of laundry.

11:50

With the baby playing on the ground, I get back to it and complete work task #2.

Who knew paper was so fun?

12:15

While my turkey, cheese, and cucumber melt is heating, I clean a bit more. The baby chills on the kitchen floor. I take lunch back outside and read more, this time paper: Sunday's church bulletin and a parenting magazine. The baby plays one of her favorite games: rip up the paper and try to eat it.

After I clean up from lunch, I make the bed with clean sheets.

12:45

Back to nursing the baby and back to work. I make a work-related phone call. While on hold, I carry the baby around the house and clean some more.

Hard to work with such a distracting cutie!

1:10

That task is done. Back to nursing and reading industry-related news. The baby plays in my lap and on the ground. I try to get more work done. But she is fussy. Nursing her only calms her temporarily while I work.

2:00

Back inside to change the scenery. I put away laundry while she's in her swinging chair in the bedroom with me. She can't decide whether she likes it or not.

2:15

Finally, she naps!

2:25

I get 5 minutes into a hands-on project. The baby screams. I leave that project for another day.

Back to nursing and working. I complete work task #3. The baby falls asleep in my lap and I don't dare try to move her.

I work, read news, write a blog entry for my industry-related blog, and catch up on social media. I read some fun blogs and articles. The baby wakes every so often, snuggles for more nursing, then falls right back to sleep.

4:50

The baby stirs, and I wake her. I've had to pee for the past hour. While up, I put in another load of laundry, walk the dog and get the mail, change her diaper, and move my stuff back inside the house.

No, we haven't baby-proofed the house yet. Obviously.

5:00

The baby plays on her mat next to my pole while I work out for 20 minutes: 15 minutes of pole fitness and 5 minutes of stretching and yoga. I don't bother to change clothes or get out my yoga mat because time is precious. Baby fusses so I pause for a few second every couple of minutes to give her another toy or distraction.

By this time, my husband is home from work. I catch up with him.

Hold the Door!

5:30

I settle on the living room couch and watch yesterday's episode of Game of Thrones with the baby playing or nursing on my lap. Wow, that's an emotional episode. I watched the Inside the Episode summary and give myself time to recover from that ending.

6:45

I relax with the baby for a little while on my laptop catching up with social media. My husband has gone out for a late afternoon run, so dinner will be later than usual.

7:00

I relocate us back to the bedroom, baby back in the swing, me back to putting away laundry while listening to an industry podcast. Another diaper change.

7:20

Back on the couch. I work for 10 minutes, then read the news and play with the baby.

7:50

My husband is home from his run so I prep for dinner (slow cooked pulled pork with celery and carrots) while he showers. We eat out a lot. Once or twice or thrice a week, we might spend our evenings at our local sports bar with our baby and our laptops. We sometimes spend our late afternoons at the beach until dusk. Even when we cook at home, we don't always eat at the dining room table. Today we did, with a candle in the middle and everything. The baby was content to be held while we ate.

8:30

After dinner clean-up, I'm back on the couch with the baby while my husband makes a quick trip to the store for something he wants. I browse social media while nursing the baby to sleep. I take advantage of her slumber and clip her long fingernails. I bathe her every-other-day, and this was an off day, or else a bath would have been in order.

9:00

My husband makes himself an adult beverage while I make myself a mint chocolate milkshake. We cuddle on the couch while watching an episode of Orange is the New Black. The baby wakes after a short while and cuddles with us on the couch. There's a pause for the last diaper change of the night.

10:15

My husband watches the last bit of a basketball game while I read on my laptop. The baby is not the slightest bit sleepy and is in a great mood, so we take turns playing with her. I try to nurse her to sleep, but she's wide awake. She's all smiles, giggles, and happy squeaks.

11:10

The baby is getting tired but refuses to sleep while nursing, so I put her in her swing. She seems happy to be rocking.

11:30

Finally asleep! I transfer her to her crib next to our bed. I stay up on my laptop until 12:30 AM when my husband joins me and it's lights out. But we stay up talking for a little while longer. I'll be awakened throughout the night to feed the little one, but never for very long.

I Fought My Health Insurance for my Home Birth and Won (Mostly)

When I chose to attempt a home birth, I knew the financial side of my decision was going to be a fight. I read story after story online of home births rejected by health insurance or covered after long fights. I prepared myself for a battle, and a battle I got. These insurance firms are horrible on purpose to encourage customers to give up. But I kept at it. And I mostly won.

I have UnitedHealthcare, one of the two worst health insurance companies I've ever had. And I've only had two. They've both been horrible. I would never voluntarily choose UnitedHealthcare, but it was my employer-provided insurance last year and it is my husband's employer-provided insurance covering the whole family this year. It's a terrible company that hires almost entire incompetent employees. But, if I wanted my home birth to be covered, I had to deal with the UnitedHealthcare headache.

My policy while I was pregnant did not specifically cover and did not specifically forbid home birth. I live in Florida, and Florida state law requires maternity-covering health insurance to cover home birth. So, one would think that my insurance would cover my home birth and that would be the end of it. Not even close.

No home birth midwives were considered in-network in my area (a 50 mile radius). My licensed and certified home birth midwife had gotten approved by UnitedHealthcare many times previously to be covered in-network, but because UnitedHealthcare is awful, they classify her as out-of-network by default. They require customers to jump through hoops to get her approved every single time. The approval process is called a gap exception. My midwife suggested I use a third party company that handles health insurance companies. This third party filed a gap exception for me. Easy!

It was denied. The reason: the gap exception needed to be submitted by an in-network service provider. In other words, they erected a nonsensical barrier in order to make it difficult for me – on purpose – in the hope that I would give up. And I almost did give up. My obgyn wouldn't submit a gap exception for me even though they approved me for a home birth because it would be helping their competition. I don't have a general physician to talk to. I do have an orthodontist who I've known for two years. She told me no. I had no one else. I didn't have a relationship with an in-network service provider who would submit this paperwork for me.

Finally, through my doula, I found a chiropractor (who could help sooth my pregnancy-strained back) who supported home births. He agreed to help me. He's British. In Europe, home births are much more common. His wife had had two home births. I wrote a gap exception letter for him, he signed it, and I mailed it off. The whole situation was a ridiculous barrier that UnitedHealthcare put in my way, but I didn't let it stop me.

Finally, I got my approval letter! UnitedHealthcare agreed to cover my home birth midwife in-network! This was great news because in my policy, out-of-network expenses would not be covered at all, but in-network would be covered 100% after a deductible. I won. My work should have been done. But of course it wasn't.

After the birth of my child (which ended up being a non-emergency hospital transfer), I shouldn't have had to worry at all about health insurance. But to my surprise, my midwife's claims for my prenatal care and her time and equipment during labor were denied. The reason: she's out-of-network. The morons at UnitedHealthcare had conveniently forgotten that they approved her in-network, despite the copy of the approval letter that my midwife submitted with her claims.

Every single week shortly after the birth for eight consecutive weeks, I called them. I spent hours on the phone with UnitedHealthcare representatives asking them to please resubmit the four claims. Each phone call meant being passed around by different call representatives because my old policy was special. Each phone call meant time wasted explaining that my child was born in December but my policy changed in January, so this goes under the old policy, not the new one. Each phone call ended with the representative assuring me that he/she would personally handle the situation and call me back. None ever did. I did talk to some very nice employees over the course of those eight weeks, and I feel bad that good people work for such a bad company.

Finally, two months after my baby was born, three of the four claims were resubmitted and approved. The fourth one was denied. This one was my midwife's fault. She had neglected to give me two medical codes to include in my gap exception letter. My gap exception approval only covered codes listed in my letter. Two codes were missing. The healthcare representative assured me that those codes would normally have been covered. She advised me to write an appeal letter asking for my gap exception to retroactively cover those two codes and for the fourth claim resubmitted.

Yesterday, two months after I sent my appeal letter, it was denied. The reason: my midwife is out-of-network. The moron who read my appeal letter ignored where I had explained my gap exception. The moron who read my appeal letter also ignored the copy of my gap exception approval letter which I sent along with my appeal letter. Conveniently, that appeal decision is final. UnitedHealthcare refused to cover the fourth claim because they employ idiots and/or they purposely play the part of idiots to steal money from their customers.

In the end, UnitedHealthcare covered all of my hospital fees and 83% of my home birth fees. I'm calling that mostly a win. The next time around, I'll be attempting home birth again, and I'll need to prepare to battle the greedy health insurance firms once more. Not looking forward to it.