Are You Buying Into Sexism This Holiday Season?

From the moment I began building my baby registry, I knew that I would encounter widespread sexism in the baby and children’s toy and clothing industry. For a supposedly advanced and equal society, sexism promoted by manufacturers and marketers is everywhere and overwhelming. Parents, even well-meaning parents, buy into the sexist stereotypes without thinking about it. Girl aisles are blindingly pink and princessy and the phrase “boys will be boys” is thrown about like it means something. And those are very minor examples.

As a woman who works in a male-dominated industry who fights sexism in my own career and sees sexism harm other women in their careers, I’m angered by it all. Babies aren’t born knowing sexism. Adults teach it to them at a very young age. You wouldn’t know it from the horrible trend of “gender” reveal parties (actually sex reveal), but babies aren’t pink or blue in the womb. Pink and blue aren’t even traditional colors for girls and boys, they’re a modern invention by advertisers. Yet we accept, without question, that my daughter needs to be covered in pink and pastel bows while little boys are dynamic and rough.

I was gifted with so many baby clothes by generous friends and family that I hadn’t needed to buy much for my daughter. But I decided to take advantage of sales this weekend. I browsed my nearest OshKosh B’Gosh and Carter’s store, excited by the 50% off store-wide sale. I was immediately hit with gendered everything. One side of the store was “boys” and the other side “girls” and there was little overlap, as if baby and toddler clothing manufacturers decided that one-year-old boys and girls must be dressed very differently.

My stomach, already turned, dropped further when I saw the graphic t-shirts in the boys section. One proclaimed “Chick Magnet” as if sexualizing toddler boys was appropriate. A graphic “girls” t-shirt proclaimed she was too cute to sleep, whatever that means. Surely I can’t be the only person disturbed by giving toddlers post-pubescent characteristics. It’s meant to be funny, but it’s not.

As far as I could tell, there was no difference between “boys” jeans and “girls” jeans because – mind blown –  toddler girls don’t have womanly curves yet. But that didn’t stop OshKosh marketers from developing “super skinny” girl jeans that the boys section didn’t have. Why in the world would I want to put super skinny jeans on a squirmy toddler who already dislikes pants?

Shopping in a gendered store was very difficult. It took me twice as long to find what I was looking for. In the end, I bought both “boy” and “girl” clothes for my almost-one-year-old daughter. And I’m strongly considering never shopping in a gendered store like that again.

It’s bad enough when marketers box in our children. It’s worse when other parents do it! Parents are the most valuable teachers, and sadly many children learn sexism from their parents. They learn what is and isn’t acceptable in their family according to their genitalia, regardless of their actual interests and abilities. They are held down or kept in a box not because society tells them what they can or can’t do, but because of their own upbringing.

I came across one such example yesterday. I follow many momblogs, and occasionally read suggestions shared by friends. One such momblog article appeared on my Twitter feed yesterday, shared by someone I follow. This momblog was promoting the concept that there are “boys” toys, that “boys play hard,” and that we should look at her suggested “boy” gifts for other boys. Immediately I was struck by the unnecessary gender separation. I responded that I was not comfortable by it.

This mother, instead of being open minded, insisted that her boys love these gifts, as do her daughters, and that there was nothing wrong with her gendering in her article. She was oblivious and outright hostile to the idea that other boys who are not her sons might be offended by the notion that they must like these gift items because they are male, and that girls might be offended by the notion that these gift items are not for them because they are female. Not only was she hostile, but trolls got involved (almost inevitable on Twitter) and responded rudely to my polite challenge to her point of view.

What is more harmful: the sexist momblog article that very few will read, or the sexist mindset that mother and her defenders exhibited? Are their sons comfortable being open with their interests, rejecting stereotypical “boy” activities if it’s not true to who they are? Are their daughters comfortable being open with expressing interest in stereotypical “boy” activities if it is true to who they are? I honestly cannot say. Neither can those parents. Only the kids can truly answer.

Are we as modern, feminist parents open to challenging sexist viewpoints even when attacked for doing so? I should hope so! I will not be silenced. I speak for the children who maybe aren’t comfortable with the boxes society and family puts them in.

Are you with me? Follow the campaigns of Let Toys Be Toys, Let Clothes Be Clothes, and Dad Marketing to combat sexism in our culture. Together, we can change society and make it a more inclusive place for our children’s generation.

Video: Changing Table & Cloth Diaper Tour

 

 

Why Cloth Diapers Work For Us, and is Easier than I Thought

“I'm glad you have the velcro ones,” said my pediatrician this week as she was examining my baby at her 4-month wellness check, “I can never figure out the snaps!”

Cloth diaper choices seemed like such a big decision at the time. I didn't know if cloth diapers would work for our family. In pregnancy, I read review after review and watched countless YouTube videos. I had no experience with diapers at all, not even with younger siblings or babysitting. But I knew that cloth diapers were cheaper in the long run and produced less trash. And so I read and read until I found the perfect diaper brand, the one that everyone agreed was an excellent diaper that didn't leak and was highly adjustable. I knew what I wanted to try.

And then I totally forgot about that brand and couldn't even tell you the name anymore. Instead, I bought used newborn diapers from a friend whose baby is five months older than mine. She had a variety of brands and types that I think she bought used as well, but they were in good shape. We got an entire newborn collection for not as expensive as it could have been (but still not cheap!).

The decision to cloth diaper wasn't a given. I absolutely did not want those multi-part complicated designs where I needed to fold and clip together things in just the right way. Convenience was my priority, not cost. My husband didn't want to deal with washing poop at all and still isn't thrilled about it. We tried both cloth and disposable in the beginning, especially as we were getting used to new parenthood and didn't have a laundry routine down. Slowly, we decreased our dependence on disposables until we only used them if we were going to be out of the house for a long time.

This story would be different if our baby was in daycare or if we didn't own a washer and dryer. Because I work from home, I have the opportunity to put soiled diapers in their proper bin instead of carrying it around with me. I have the flexibility to do laundry at any time, day or night. Cloth diapering works for our family.

One thing I learned the hard way was not to get caught up on the hundreds of rules about cloth diapering. We use our normal detergent. We put them through the dryer until dry. Clothes lines aren't allowed in our neighborhood. Initially I was drying them partly in the dryer and then hanging them around the house to dry, which led to damp diapers when I needed them. Now I just throw them in the heat and tumble like anything else, sans dryer sheet. I don't add anything to the wash except detergent. I use the extra long option on my washing machine. Maybe once my baby starts on solids, diaper care will become trickier. But for now, it's way easier than online diapering communities led me to believe.

I was skeptical, but sunning them really does fade away stains. Because of the no clothes line rule, I have to put them on the floor of our patio and move them throughout the day to stay in the light. It's not convenient, but it works and it's free.

After approximately three and a half months, one-size diapers replaced newborn sized. I learned by browsing eBay that for the brands I wanted, new diapers purchased in bulk directly from the company cost around the same as used diapers bought from individuals. I bought two bulk packs from two different brands. I would like to try a third brand, but it's expensive so haven't made that purchase yet.

After trying so many brands and styles in my newborn collection, what did I value highly enough to buy brand new in one-sizer diapers? Convenience! I love the convenience of all-in-ones (AIOs). They are essentially the same level of convenience as disposable diapers. Straight out of the wash, they are ready to use. This means a lot to a mom who doesn't always have time to prep the clean diapers before I need them!

I bought more pocket diapers than AIOs, and I'm glad I did. Double-stuffing pocket diapers with two inserts instead of one ended the problem we had with her leaking through the night. I haven't tried it, though I'd imagine I could triple-stuff if I needed to. I don't know much about inserts yet, but I know there are different types and I could always upgrade to a higher performing fabric.

Back to my pediatrician's point: snaps or velcro? At first I was partial to snaps. Snaps felt secure, especially now as my baby is learning to pull on the velcro tabs. Velcro tangled up in the wash and led to minutes of untangling every single load. Velcro hooks got stuffed with loose threads and fluff, necessitating cleaning by hand. But more and more, velcro is replacing snaps as my favorite. It's the most convenient, the quickest to put on, and the most adjustable fit. In the end, it's a personal preference just like everything else.

A choice I previously undervalued: cuteness! I favor the adorable patterned diapers to the solid color diapers, and I favor the bright and pretty solid colors over the not-so-pretty colors. Pretty patterns have no impact on diaper use and performance, but they do look cute on my baby's bum.

Josephine napping with the cat in her red newborn Lil Joey.

7 Most Useful and Unuseful Items for My Newborn

I attended a friend’s baby shower yesterday, the first one I’ve been to since my little girl was born. Generally I’m not a fan of baby showers and therefore don’t think about them much, but I go to express my support and love.

Sitting on that couch watching my 8-month-pregnant friend unwrap her many gifts for her baby daughter got me thinking about my own experience over the past four months. I read so many pregnancy and baby books, blogs, and articles and watched so many YouTube videos I can’t even tell you, but nothing quite prepares you for your own situation. My gifts were among the last to be opened and after reading my card, my friend thanked me for the practical items and advice.

Seven Most Useful Items for my Newborn

1. A swinging chair, a bouncing chair, and a playmat/gym. Anything that can offer a few minutes peace and distraction while also providing a safe space where I can leave the baby to do something with both hands. The swinging chair is the single most useful item for us because it helped put our baby to sleep countless times – priceless.

2. A wrap carrier. I’m sure slings and structured carriers are equally useful but I don’t own those. My wrap allows me to wrap my baby in multiple positions, including a sling for discrete nursing or napping and an upright position for curious baby to look around. I use my wrap every time I go out in public with my baby, and the one time I forgot it in the dryer, I missed it.

3. Wipes, and lots of them. I bought my friend a box of 800 wipes because my own box of 800 wipes plus all the single packets only lasted me 3 months. When there’s poop everywhere, I don’t stop to count how many wipes I’m using, I just keep grabbing.

4. A pack n’ play with a newborn napper attachment. Even though we set up the nursery with crib space, we moved the portable crib next to our bed immediately after she was born and there it has stayed and will continue to stay for a while. The newborn attachment lifts her mini bed to the same level as our bed, making middle-of-the-night rescues a piece of cake. I just roll over, lift her up, and roll back over to side nurse, barely having to move.

5. Electric breast pump. I’m thankful that I got it free through my health insurance. Despite using it sparingly, it was a life-saver when I really needed it. Especially when I was away from my 6-week-old for 36 hours, my breasts felt like they were about to pop and milk leaked out uncontrollably. I was in agonizing discomfort until I was able to have some alone time. With the breast pump, I was able to survive that trip. It was only after stimulating my nipples with the breast pump hours after my water broke that I finally went into active labor. I bought a cheap manual breast pump thinking I could use it in the car, but it was useless, making me even more thankful for my electric.

6. Swaddling/receiving blankets, especially the non-stretch cotton ones we got from the hospital. Swaddling her did wonders for helping to calm her and put her to sleep! It was routine every night to wrap her into a baby burrito until just a few weeks ago when she started breaking out so she could suck on her fingers.

7. Baby sunglasses, inexpensive at Target, the kind that wrap around the head with a cloth band and close with velcro. We live in Florida. Even out of the direct sunlight, the bright light reflects. Her head was too small for the band at first so I sewed a few more pieces of velcro on to have a tighter fit.

Seven Items that Weren’t as Useful as I Thought They’d Be

1. A closet full of baby clothes. Because we’re mostly cloth diapering and because we have an impressive spitter, we do laundry frequently. We didn’t buy any clothes, receiving lots as gifts and hand-me-downs. I thought that filling the nursery with more clothes than in my own closet would cut down on laundry. But instead it just meant that individual items of clothing were only worn a few times before she grew out of it. We also didn’t need any specific sleepwear at all for her; babies fall asleep in anything.

2. Little burp clothes. Our baby knows how to spit like a champion and unleash a waterfall. We still use those little towels all the time for minor spitting or drooling, but usually we use normal adult-sized towels to keep up with her messes. (And no joke, she spit up a pool of liquid just as I was typing this.)

3. Pacifiers/binkies. I envisioned our baby happily sucking herself to sleep with one of those every day. Instead, she preferred my real nipples, not taking to plastic at all. Only in the past month or two has she decided that she also likes her fingers and fist, though she hasn’t quite isolated her thumb yet.

4. Socks, shoes, and mittens. It was difficult to get them on a squirmy little thing. They didn’t stay on long. Then the weather turned and it became too warm. I keep her fingernails short so she doesn’t cut herself (or us!) up too badly. I’ll try shoes again when she starts cruising.

5. A baby audio, video, and breathing monitors. So far she has only slept close by. Maybe these will be great later on, but we just didn’t need them with this baby.

6. A nursing pillow, nursing pads, nipple shields, and other breastfeeding aids. I count myself lucky that I didn’t have much difficulty. Many of my friends did.

7. A stroller. I bought a carseat/stroller set and envisioned walking the neighborhood with the stroller regularly. I use the carseat almost daily, but she hasn’t taken to the stroller. She just wants to be held. To be fair, she hated the carseat in the car too, but it’s the law to use it. She has grown much more comfortable in the car, so maybe she’ll grow into the stroller.

These lists hold true for our baby girl and may not hold true for the next baby or anyone else's baby. Each baby and each family circumstance is different!

Josephine rocking her baby sunglasses this afternoon.