In Search of the Mythical Moms Group

Many ideas popped into my head last year when I discovered that I was pregnant. Among them, not at the top but somewhere down the line, I thought that I might have the opportunity to make mom friends in a way I wasn't able to do as a childless woman.

My mom made lifelong mom friends when I was a baby. Every July when I was growing up, we'd attend a picnic hosted by one of the couples. Another mom who attended told me every year about how she and my mom were pregnant together. These women are are unlike each other and took different paths in life, but they shared pregnancy and young children in common and remained friends throughout the decades.

One of the first things I did was look into the large “birthing circle” in the area, a group for mothers who want to nurse and parent more naturally. I joined their Facebook group and planned to attend one of their monthly meetings. However, that plan only lasted a few days.

My first red flag was when group organizers openly promoted amber teething necklaces, a fraudulent product based on fake science meant to steal money from desperate parents. Several moms responded about how much they love their amber teething necklaces. I was the lone voice of reason on that thread to even suggest an alternate point of view. I didn't argue, but I was shocked by the mass ignorance and could not believe that the organizers of this group were irresponsible enough to promote fraud.

The nail in the coffin for this mom group was an even bigger irresponsibility: not taking a stand against a fraud so large that it has claimed the lives of many children. One of the moms on that group posted her anti childhood vaccination viewpoint. The anti-vaxxer mentality has killed and continues to kill children in the developed world and is 100% based on a lie. I asked the group leaders whether they take a stand against anti-vaxxers. They responded that they're neutral on the issue. I left the group immediately and never looked back.

Next I looked into another popular mom group: the local La Leche League. I wanted to breastfeed my child if I could and it seemed like a good place to find like-minded moms. I joined their Facebook group with the intention of attended a meeting. I didn't last long there, either.

It wasn't anything that they did wrong, exactly. But there was one post after another almost militantly declaring their intention to fight anyone who thinks that toddlers and young children are too old to be breastfed. Each post was accompanied by a photo of a toddler or young child breastfeeding. I'm all for breastfeeding for a year, or two, or whatever is medically necessary. But there's a line where it turns from sweet to creepy for me, and several of those posts crossed that line. I didn't fit there.

I then turned to Meet-up and found two local groups for moms with young kids. Both required approval to join. The first one got back to me immediately and looked really promising, until they told me that there was an annual membership fee and a requirement to host an event every month. Not only would I be too busy as a new mom to host an event every month, but I also didn't want to join a group where all the members hosted events every month. That would mean events nearly every day, and likely low turn-out at each event.

When the other Meet-up group finally got back to me, they informed me of an annual membership fee even higher than the other group. I didn't see the need to pay for friends when sororities were recruiting in college and I don't see the need to pay for friends now. What do those membership fees go to, anyway? I'd rather directly pay for something that I want, rather than someone take my money and choose for me. The whole concept turned me off.

I took a free birthing class at my local hospital. The other pregnant moms in attendance were teenagers, some attending with their moms. I was 31-years-old. I didn't have anything in common with those young ladies except conceiving a child. There was no class introduction or chance to mingle with the other moms, so I didn't get to know any of them.

I took a multi-week birthing class taught by my doula attended by two other couples. We were all planning home births and using the same midwife-doula team. This seemed like the best opportunity to make mom friends. And we even connected with each other on Facebook after! But I haven't seen or talked to one mom since the last birthing class. The other one I've run into three or four times unplanned, and each time she acts awkward around me. So much for that idea.

At the end of my second trimester, I connected with the Catholic Nursing Mother's League. I'm Catholic, and I've found a lot of my friends through Catholic groups, so I figured I'd try it. I was pleasantly surprised! Even though I didn't know any of them and my baby wasn't even born yet, I was welcomed with open arms by supportive, knowledgeable young mothers who I could connect with. There's still hints of crazy at times – twice I've seen amber teething necklaces on babies – but there has never been any official promotion of crazy. There's no drama, no gossip, no tension. The mothers all seem sane, warm, and friendly. I've been attending ever since.

The group only meets monthly and it's difficult to get to know the ladies well in a short time, but I connect with most of the regulars on Facebook to get to know them better. A lot of the moms with older kids get together for playdates, field trips, and even a homeschool co-op. When my baby is older, I'll be able to hang out with them that way. Most of the moms live a little far from me so this isn't the kind of moms group where I can casually hang out on the local playground or take stroller walks, but that's okay. I'm just happy to have connected with other young women who also call themselves mom!

May's Catholic Nursing Mothers League meeting. Older kids were running around out-of-shot.