There’s a reason
why I haven’t been writing much on this blog lately. It’s not
just this blog. All of my blogs have been neglected. I’ve
been feeling, to some degree, unwell for the past few months. First
trimester pregnancy was difficult for me the first time around, and
the trend repeated. Here I am, out of the first trimester and 15
weeks pregnant, and I still had to take a “sick” day today (for a
work-at-home self-employed entrepreneur, this meant I did the bare
minimum and tried to ignore my growing inbox while I vegged on the
couch). Feeling unwell for months meant I needed to drop things, many
things, so I could get done what I needed to do to survive. Blogging
was one of those things.
I was a
mostly-work-at-home employee for another company when I was pregnant
two years ago. I remember waking up minutes before weekly morning
video telecons, dressing in a good top, putting on make-up, slicking
back my hair, and pretending I was just fine when I was really
exhausted, sick, and struggling. Thankfully, I could lounge around
the house and take naps during most days. I remember being so
thankful I worked at home because I wasn’t sure if I could get
through a standard 9-to-5 office job with pregnancy taking such a
toll. I certainly wouldn’t be able to hide my pregnancy if I was in
and out of an office bathroom several times a day every day. At home,
I was grateful for privacy.
Pregnancy #2 finds
me working at home on my own company and caring for an energetic
little tornado – I mean toddler. I can’t take time off, but I can
sleep in when she lets me and occasionally snooze during her naps. No
matter how rotten I feel, I must get up every day and make sure my
daughter is fed, cleaned, changed regularly, entertained, loved, and
kept out of the mortal danger she continuously tries to put herself
in. She’s usually displeased when I need to pause her needs to race
off and be sick, but thankfully she’s independent enough to be
alone for short times. Not that we have much choice.
Being an
entrepreneur means working under my own expectations and deadlines
(unless a client specifies otherwise), but it also means I’ve got
ambitious plans and am constantly pushing myself to do more. I can
work long hours of the day and night, even weekends, if I’m really
into a project. I’m a night owl and work best in the late hours
when my husband, toddler, and much of the United States are asleep.
But during the first few months of pregnancy, I just couldn’t. I
was exhausted all the time. I went to bed early (for me), slept in,
and still craved naps. The extra time I usually had to be productive,
those late night hours, were gone. I couldn’t physically work those
hours anymore, even when I wanted to. I had to temporarily give up
several productive hours of my day every day in order to allow my
body to focus on growing a baby. Only last week did I find my ability
to stay up late return again.
For me, morning
sickness isn’t just about throwing up. I feel as if I’m going to
vomit all day long, regardless if I was just sick. It’s a nearly
daily occurrence every day of my first trimester, starting around the
time I discover I’m pregnant. It lessens but doesn’t stop after
my first trimester, either. Today I was sick in the late morning,
then felt sick for the entire rest of the day, including now. Feeling
constantly sick destroys my motivation and concentration. On days
like today, when it’s really bad, I give up all hope of
accomplishing anything important and instead feel satisfied with
surviving. Tomorrow is another day.
An ambitious, driven
career woman such as myself finds it very hard to accept less than
what I’m capable of. I know how much I can accomplish when I put my
mind to it. But pregnancy is more than just my mind. My body and the
body of another human being must be taken into account. There are
physical changes that are beyond my control. The hardest part for me
is accepting these physical changes and adjusting for them without
guilt. Yes, I may need to work at a reduced productivity rate for a
few months. Yes, it may take me a little longer to accomplish my
goals. But I’m growing a human. Right now, I’m doing more
important work within my womb than outside of it.
