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| My little girl at 7 months |
When I accepted an offer to begin
work at the same time we’d be packing up our house to move for my husband’s new
job multiple states away, I knew I was crazy. What was I thinking!? Not that I
had much choice – my start date was already delayed by my new boss’s vacation
and my life isn’t going to calm down any time soon. So, full speed ahead!
I love my career. I spent 11
years studying in higher education and held multiple volunteer and lower-level
jobs to get to where I am now: a mid-level expert-in-training in my industry. Since
January, I had been staying at home with my baby, working from home and occasionally
elsewhere on small tasks and minor gigs. I started my own consulting business
and earned a little bit of money, enough to travel for business trips and
conferences, but not enough to pay myself salary. I kept searching for the
right client that would land me a major paycheck. Finally, I found one. I’m
reaching for the stars, which is a fitting analogy if you know I work in the space
industry.
The first two weeks of being a
for-real WAHM felt like I was drowning in responsibilities. I’d splash and
kick, gasping for air at the surface, treading water with all my might, feeling
as though I could go under at any moment. The thought did cross my mind once,
briefly, that maybe this was a bad idea and I should quit. But I didn’t. I kept
on swimming, as our fish friend would say.
It didn’t help that the baby’s
worst day since her early newborn weeks was my first day of work. I kicked off
that Monday morning with back-to-back phone meetings, during which she was
thankfully quiet. Then she became a miserable monster and stayed unhappy for
the rest of the day. I got little done. I thought, maybe this is teething for
real, then dismissed my speculation. A couple days later, I felt the sharp
edges of a bottom tooth popping through. It wasn’t all in my head after all.
Getting little done continued to
be a theme. I began to question whether I really could be a stay-at-home mom
and work a real job that required my focus and dedication. But to be honest, my
circumstances skewed my perspective. That first week, I spent far more time on
the phone and in meetings with various people who were to help me prepare our
home for sale, sell our home, move our belongings, house us temporarily, and
help us find and finance a new home. I felt like both a poor mother and a poor
employee as I spent hours and hours in personal logistics planning.
The baby, now 7 months old, is
developing separation anxiety. She could be well-rested, well-fed, and
surrounded by toys, but still throw a fit if I’m not holding her when she wants
to be held or if I leave the room and don’t allow her to follow me. But a baby
cooing or fussing into the earpiece is not a professional sound over a business
call. Twice I placed her safely among her toys in the living room, then shut
myself in my bedroom closet (two layers of separation!) in order to muffle her
screams to make a call. It felt undignified to conduct business on the floor of
my closet. I’ll have to develop a better solution.
After a minor break-down last
week, I decided to step back and regroup. I’m only human. I put so much
pressure on being an excellent new employee, I was placing unrealistic
expectations on myself. I’m sure that my new bosses 1) didn’t expect a brand
newcomer to excel at the job immediately, and 2) understood that moving is
stressful and would cut me some slack. I spent the beginning of week #2
focusing on what I could do in the moment and not getting too worked up over
feeling behind.
Until I actually was behind.
Wednesday came to a close and I had barely worked all week. Frantically, I
worked extra hard these past two days, catching up. I woke up early Thursday
morning, stayed up late Thursday night, and woke up early Friday. And do you
know what? I was just fine. I accomplished what I needed to accomplish. No one
cared that I hadn’t fully finished one of my tasks yet, no one but me. I called
it quits Friday afternoon with a task still open, and the world didn’t end.
You might recall from my previous
entry that I actually scored two new jobs, one major and one minor. I had to
put the minor gig on hold. I’m at my capacity at the moment. Until I’m out of
this house (one more week!), I can’t take on anything else. But that job isn’t
urgent and the big boss still hasn’t signed my contract yet for an “official”
start, so I feel justified in delaying.
My husband and I have talked
about hiring help once we move. In his current position, he can occasionally
work from home. When he’s here and not in a meeting, we share child caring
duties. I leaned on him Thursday and Friday while I worked hard to catch up.
But when he begins his new job in two weeks, he’ll be in the office every day.
I may hire a part-time nanny or babysitter to help lessen my load. I’ll play
that decision by ear.
I am so fortunate – I love my
job. I’m able to do satisfying work in a field I’m passionate about. My company
is very family-friendly, which is what drew me to the position. It’s a small
company with everyone working from home offices around the globe, some of which
are also work-at-home parents. It’s a friendly, supportive atmosphere. I feel
so very grateful to be able to stay home with my little girl and participate in
my chosen career!
