Standing, Moving, Working, Panicking! I Am Not Alone

It's a holiday here in the States, but my mind is racing. I start my major contract job in one week. I already received a meeting invitation for Monday 9:00 AM. I've been told what my first assignment will be. It'll be a lot of work, right off the bat! I spent energy during the interview process convincing them that I can do the job, so now I need to convince myself. That won't be easy. I'm my sharpest critic.

Meanwhile, I have a draft of a contract to finalize and sign with my side job. Assuming that's completed next week, I'll be starting both jobs at the same time. I've been putting it off, not because I can't be bothered with approving a contract, but because I already feel overwhelmed. And I haven't even started yet.

Meanwhile, my little girl is racing ahead of milestones at a stunning pace, leaving me, well, stunned. She went from lunging to crawling to standing to cruising furniture in a matter of weeks. She's only six months old! I hadn't planned to babyproof the house yet. I don't want to babyproof a house I might move out of in a few weeks. Today my husband and I bought baby gates which had been on our to-do list for two weeks since she discovered the dog's food and water bowls in the laundry room. I've had to mop up the floor and change her more times than I'd like to admit. It also takes work to chase her away from trouble, constantly keeping and eye out.

A developing baby means more independence from me. She can play mostly on her own for a large part of her waking hours. She can crawl around the majority of the house now that I've blocked off areas and babyproofed as she found trouble. With my laptop, I can follow her around and get stuff done at the same time. I'm sleep training her, so now she can even nap without needing me to nurse her to sleep. Progress. Baby steps, figuratively and literally.

My husband should get a final written offer from his potential new job on Tuesday. We're in limbo until then. My mind is racing with plans but I can't solidify them until I get the okay. On Tuesday, if it's what he wants, we're all go go go to move, sell our house, and buy a new one. And everything that comes with that. Every little thing. Anxiety! Stress! Panic!

We met with our real estate agent this morning, the same woman who helped me buy this house two years ago. She toured the property, making a verbal list of everything we need to do to best sell our home. Every comment she made caused me to shrink with stress and anxiety, as if her words were hammering me on the head and stealing my future time and happiness. Between starting two new jobs, caring for a mobile baby, saying goodbye to friends, and packing, when were we going to find the time to handle all these home repairs and touch-ups?

Then the seasoned real estate agent – God bless her – said those beautiful words: “I'll handle it.” She advised us to move out, vacate the house, then she'll take care of the rest. I could have hugged her. Then, my husband mentioned as an aside that his potential new company's relocation package included packaging and shipping all of our belongings. He'd forgotten to mention that before. And just like that, the weight lifted.

Yes, this house needs a deep clean, and trimming of this, and caulking of that, and the list goes on and on. Yes, an entire household needs to be packed up and moved across the country. But I don't have to do it. It doesn't have to be my responsibility. It doesn't need to weigh down my to-do list.

Yes, we need to find our new home, and the sooner, the better. But we won't buy sight unseen. So I need to put that worry aside and just wait. Yes, I start two new jobs in a week. But no one will expect me to have a major report done on my first day or even my first month. There's always a learning period.

If you haven't noticed, have a tendency to want to handle everything all by myself. I'm very independent. I know that I'll do it the way I want it to be done. Then I overload myself and wonder why I can't complete things the way I want to. But I really can do this, with help. With lots and lots of help.

I am not alone.

This is a lesson I'll need to repeat to myself again and again. It's okay to let others handle things. It's okay to let go of the things that others can do, and often do better. It's okay to outsource, to hire help, to ask for help, to remove some of the weight from my shoulders and put it on someone else. It's not all on me. I don't have to do everything, and that's okay.

And with this realization, I'm back to enjoying my holiday. My husband, my baby, and I are all hanging out as my husband plays guitar. We'll join our neighbors for a party this evening. I can enjoy my (possibly) last weeks in our home and our city. I can focus on my friends, my family, and my new adventures. I can live my life without overwhelming stress. I just need to let go. Let go and let God, as the saying goes.